Now while, this post is not about those who have lost their mothers, I felt it important to acknowledge the other facets of difficulty that come with holidays like this. I am slightly divided when it comes to creating new holidays for new categories of people because while I do think that we need to have awareness of what people are going through as well as sensitivity to what our brothers and sisters are going through. However, on the other hand, I also do not want to encourage simply creating a separate time for every individual going through something unique. I would much rather develop a culture that is more sensitive to all these people that are struggling. This process is however a slow process, and so for now, I will use the season that we are in and the resources at my disposal to help spread awareness and consideration for our struggle in hope that it will: 1-inform the masses on how they can better minister to people they say they care for and 2-give courage to those who are walking through their own emotional and mental battle to share their pain that I and others may minister to them as well.
For my wife & I, the pain we have been called to walk with is that of living in a world that worships children, all the while, knowing that we were only given an hour and nine minutes, plus the time in utero with our precious son, Cyrus. This is what bereaved mothers day is, a safe day on the week before the Sunday where everything becomes about the mother's who were blessed with longer lives. It is a celebration of their life and the impact their mother has had on their lives and I do believe they are worthy of recognition, as I plan to celebrate and recognize my birth mother and mother by marriage, both of whom I am tremendously thankful for. However, that is not what this is about. For my wife, Ali, & countless others in this world, Mother's Day is a reminder of the child that is missing from all the celebration. It is also a unique situation because there are many that have lost a child but now have a living child since then, and while no child can ever replace another, it is different because the world still recognizes those mothers on Mother's Day because they can see them as mothers because there's a kid with them. It is different when you are a mother but you don't have a child with you that shows this to the world. Instead, you are left with memories and thoughts of what could have been. This is the reality and norm for these mothers (and fathers). We do not blame all of you that have living children, but we do feel like if maybe more people remembered and understood that it would 1-given them an appreciation for what they have and 2-help them to be aware and sensitive in how they interact with others that if people only knew, might say or do things differently.
One of the ways our society has been growing is gaining an increased awareness of insensitivities towards other people groups so that we can be more effective in how we connect with the people around us. There are so many people that have been wounded over insensitivities we've all committed unknowingly and so for those that desire to do better, it is helpful to share the pain of your experiences but I know that is not easy. There are those that you have possibly shared with before and they were not as kind of that precious and delicate information you chose to share with them. Please do not judge everyone by the interaction and response of a few. It will never be easy to carry this burden but knowing there are people around who care can make the burden so much more bearable. We will continue to exercise wisdom and discernment while still trying to be brave and bold to step out in faith as the Lord puts people in our lives we feel called to share our pain with in hopes that we can be a blessing to each other.
Once again, please know that we do not wish for parents of living children to feel awkward or guilty or anything like that around us, but there are some truths that cannot be denied. Seeing any child, especially one that is younger is a constant reminder of our son, whom we love and miss. Hearing children screaming, crying is very triggering for us. When conversations center around people and their children it makes us feel like we have nothing to contribute because no one wants us to inject the sorrow of talking about our son who isn't alive. We are in a very weird category of being an age where most people our age already have children, and those who are younger and maybe aren't married yet only want to interact so much with the older couple that doesn't have kids for some reason. And those that are married but don't have kids are likely not going to take long before they start thinking about having children because that's the way the world we live in conditions us to think we need to do. Essentially, if you don't have kids people think you're broken. It is similar to how people often treat single people as though they are broken because they are not married. It is not fair, but it is what it is.
All this to say, I am not sharing this to push people away or make people feel uncomfortable (even though I am sure that happens automatically to some degree). I share this info to invite you into our world. Yes, it is heavy at times and yes there are tears and sorrow but there can also be great joy. We are passionate about our son and the brief time we got to spend with him. You are welcome to ask us about him, we will not stray away from sharing. We've even got pictures we can share (which is a blessing we do not take for granted). This is a journey we are still walking through. We were both reminded last night of how many people love to get puppies around when they have their children so they can "grow up together" and while that is a sweet sentiment, we also got our sweet Lois around the time Cyrus was to be born, and we would have loved for them to grow up together as well, but that's not what God planned for us. I am so thankful for our sweet Lois whom we love so much. She has indeed been an emotional support pet for both of us nearly every day. Think of it this way, when you get pregnant, your body automatically starts to generate this new level of love that you one day pour into your new child. It builds and builds during the pregnancy and so it is at a very high level when the child is born. Which is why it takes several years for your heart to get used to that new and special love you lavish on your child. But what do you do when that child passes away before you even get a chance to pour that love out? That's where we are. Our hearts are so full of love that was designed to be poured into our child, but he can't receive it because he is in the presence of Jesus (I know he's not complaining, Jesus is far better). We are left here alone trying to figure this all out. It has taken time and much counseling and trial and error but we are growing, strengthening, learning and developing. But the triggers are still there and we still need support.
So I invite you to see us differently, for who we really are. We don't hate children, but our hearts ache as we remember that ours is missing. We don't hate parents either, but we don't feel like we can connect with you in your world because your world revolves around your child, and ours is missing. Lord willing, maybe one day the Lord will call us to have some living children of our own either by birth or adoption, but no child will ever replace our sweet Cyrus. Would you consider remembering and still celebrating ALL the mothers next week (and maybe those bereaved mothers specifically today)? Thank you to those who took the time to read this in its entirety and who continue to love and support us diligently. We do not take you for granted.
Psalm 34:18 - 18 The Lord is near the brokenhearted; he saves those crushed in spirit.
