I recently saw a video on social media showing a comedian talking about how Father's Day is the absolute worst holiday. He goes through some statistics that essentially rate holidays in order of most celebrated, Christmas & Mother's Day are the top two and Father's Day falls somewhere around 20th on the list. From there the comedian essentially uses this information to go through a comedic monologue about the holidays that are celebrated above celebrating fathers. It was an entertaining video but it has been rolling around in my mind especially since my circumstances surrounding the holiday are somewhat unique. It caused me to look into the history of the supposed holiday itself. According to Almanac.com Mother's Day actually came first, not too surprising, in the year 1914 from President Woodrow Wilson to honor the "tender, gentle army—the mothers of America.” It was since Mother's Day came first that Father's Day actually received some significant pushback due to the stereotypes associated with women, feelings, emotions, etc. that did not want to be connected with MEN, thus Father's Day did not come to be until 1972 during the Nixon administration. Now hear me, I am not saying that either Mother's or Father's are any more important than the other. Both roles have been stepped into by amazing as well as terrible people. There have been people that lead the charge when it comes to moms & dads and then there have also been many that have completely dropped the ball and thus there is quite a large variety of different emotions that come up with people all over the world when it comes to celebrating these people. If you are one of the people that have been chosen to simply walk through this day like most other days and maybe simply send a card or make a phone call to your parent reminding them of your love and appreciation, or if you on the receiving end of that, either way, you have been chosen to enjoy that day without that particular pain and that is your path which comes from the sovereign hand of God and so while in my flesh I do envy that a little bit, in my soul and spirit, I know that God's ways are higher than my ways (Is. 55:9). We all have pain that God has ordained for us to live with and your pain is important. Please do not ignore it but instead share it, embrace it and learn how to use it for God's glory, that is what it is designed to do. However, do not simply run away or avoid other people's pain simply because it is uncomfortable and unfamiliar to you. Sit and listen to those who have different pain than you and try to understand it. This is how we grow and this is how we love well.
Here is my pain: my first Father's Day was in June of 2013 when my wife was pregnant with our son Cyrus. We found out we were pregnant in April of that year around the time we were celebrating our 5 year wedding anniversary. Doctors had told us that we couldn't get pregnant so imagine our surprise when that turned out not to be true. God works all things for good (Rom. 8:28). At our week-12 doctors appointment, just before we were planning to go visit family in Atlanta, GA for the fourth of July our world was turned upside down. Months later and many failed procedures and we arrive at November 25th, 2013. I get 1hr and 9 minutes with my son before his heart stops, his eyes close and his body begins to turn cold. My wife & I wept over his body for nearly 12 hours before saying goodbye. The only other time we'd lay eyes on his body would be when he is in his casket. It breaks my heart that caskets even have to be made that small. God works all things for good, right? That's what the Bible says. We believed it in April, we believed it in June, do we still believe it in November? Honestly, all I could think of in November was breathing, trying to hold my heart in my chest and make sure my legs were working. But yes, I can still say God works all things for good.
What now? It's been 8 years. We should be "over it" by now, right? We should just have another kid, right? I am sure it will get better once we have another child. We need to stop memorializing our dead son, right? The truth is, the pain is just too heavy for people and so people stop calling, people stop texting. What do you do when you're a married couple in your 30's and everyone else in your same life situation has a few little ones running around? Honestly people probably think we're weird because we don't have kids. That's certainly what the world expects you to do right? Get married then have kids. I'm not condemning those that have done this, but what do we do? We weren't technically supposed to have the first one but God is the one in charge of that (despite what we naively thought when we were young and newlywed). Is God going to cause us to get pregnant again? I have no idea. People certainly love to ask us ALL THE TIME if we have kids, but their demeanor sure changes when I answer their question in the last way they expected it to be. "Well, we have 1 son in heaven, but none on earth just yet." Yup, awkward. Yes, we could also adopt children, we are and have been praying about that. It still doesn't change the fact that my son is not here with me. I don't get to teach him, hug him, kiss him, play with him and raise him the way I want and every time I see you living your life with your child, my heart hurts. But this pain I have been given has opened my eyes to a world I was oblivious to before. Just like before, I seek to glorify God in everything I say and do, except that words and deeds are filtered through the unique experiences God chooses to bring us through. It does us no good to envy what God has chosen to give others versus what he gave us, no matter how attractive social media may make it look.
You're maybe wondering how I am doing now, how we're doing now. Truthfully, that is not a short answer so I will typically just say "fine." Truth be told, every day is a struggle in a different way and every day there are triggers that I have to walk through like land mines, you never know when one is coming but it always hurts. When your kid runs and screams past my door, when a child cries, when I see your posts (although I have severely limited my social media interaction over the years). Now these things are not anyone's fault and I certainly can't and wouldn't ask anyone to try and limit these things from happening, it's not your burden to bare, it's mine. But that is just a small glimpse into what I am dealing with. I don't get to receive a card with my son's handwriting on it, I don't get to post a smiley pic with my son as we go out and celebrate this day, I don't really feel like enjoying a root beer after church (although tbh, I don't necessarily care for RB anyway). This is my world, and it is painful and there is nothing I can do except trust and lean on my Heavenly Father and keep moving forward to do His will because that is why I am here.
I know that some of my words may feel a little harsh and might even hurt to hear, I am sorry if I have caused you any pain, but this is just a small glimpse into everything I am feeling. To the men out there that may read this post, please do not fall into the temptation to view your emotions the way the men of the early 1900's did, that they are only for the women. Do not be afraid to sit in your pain for a little bit and then go and talk to someone you can trust about what you are thinking and feeling. Preferably I would encourage that someone to be someone that can reflect what you are saying against what the Bible says (although that does not mean you need to quote Scripture at someone sharing their pain, most of the time you simply need to listen). I also want to remind everyone out there of a saying a recently heard from someone, "just because somebody carries something well, does not mean that it is not heavy." I know so many of you look at me or my wife and easily think we are amazing people because of what we've gone through and while we appreciate those words and comments, the best thing we can hope for you to get from what we are going through is to take it in, let it enter your heart, carry the pain for a bit and then use it to walk through your life with new eyes as you deal with others that are hurting as well as your own pain. May it all be for the glory of God our loving Father. For those of you who are hurting right now, please do not walk through this alone. Exodus 17 tells of an amazing account where God's people were up against their first big enemy since leaving Egypt and they were getting their butts kicked until their leader Moses lifted the staff that God gave him as a reminder of His continued presence. So long as Moses would life that staff in the air, symbolizing their dependency on God, the Israelites were successful. The problem was, sometimes you are too weak to do this on your own. Thankfully, Moses was not alone, he had Aaron and Her with him who would literally hold his arms up so that God's people could be victorious. Yes, you need to keep moving forward despite your pain, but that does not mean you have to do it alone, get some people by your side to hold you up when you can't do it on your own. Just make sure they are always pointing you back to the one that actually brings the victory.
