What is Father's Day?

I recently saw a video on social media showing a comedian talking about how Father's Day is the absolute worst holiday. He goes through some statistics that essentially rate holidays in order of most celebrated, Christmas & Mother's Day are the top two and Father's Day falls somewhere around 20th on the list. From there the comedian essentially uses this information to go through a comedic monologue about the holidays that are celebrated above celebrating fathers. It was an entertaining video but it has been rolling around in my mind especially since my circumstances surrounding the holiday are somewhat unique. It caused me to look into the history of the supposed holiday itself. According to Almanac.com Mother's Day actually came first, not too surprising, in the year 1914 from President Woodrow Wilson to honor the "tender, gentle army—the mothers of America.” It was since Mother's Day came first that Father's Day actually received some significant pushback due to the stereotypes associated with women, feelings, emotions, etc. that did not want to be connected with MEN, thus Father's Day did not come to be until 1972 during the Nixon administration. Now hear me, I am not saying that either Mother's or Father's are any more important than the other. Both roles have been stepped into by amazing as well as terrible people. There have been people that lead the charge when it comes to moms & dads and then there have also been many that have completely dropped the ball and thus there is quite a large variety of different emotions that come up with people all over the world when it comes to celebrating these people. If you are one of the people that have been chosen to simply walk through this day like most other days and maybe simply send a card or make a phone call to your parent reminding them of your love and appreciation, or if you on the receiving end of that, either way, you have been chosen to enjoy that day without that particular pain and that is your path which comes from the sovereign hand of God and so while in my flesh I do envy that a little bit, in my soul and spirit, I know that God's ways are higher than my ways (Is. 55:9). We all have pain that God has ordained for us to live with and your pain is important. Please do not ignore it but instead share it, embrace it and learn how to use it for God's glory, that is what it is designed to do. However, do not simply run away or avoid other people's pain simply because it is uncomfortable and unfamiliar to you. Sit and listen to those who have different pain than you and try to understand it. This is how we grow and this is how we love well.

Here is my pain: my first Father's Day was in June of 2013 when my wife was pregnant with our son Cyrus. We found out we were pregnant in April of that year around the time we were celebrating our 5 year wedding anniversary. Doctors had told us that we couldn't get pregnant so imagine our surprise when that turned out not to be true. God works all things for good (Rom. 8:28). At our week-12 doctors appointment, just before we were planning to go visit family in Atlanta, GA for the fourth of July our world was turned upside down. Months later and many failed procedures and we arrive at November 25th, 2013. I get 1hr and 9 minutes with my son before his heart stops, his eyes close and his body begins to turn cold. My wife & I wept over his body for nearly 12 hours before saying goodbye. The only other time we'd lay eyes on his body would be when he is in his casket. It breaks my heart that caskets even have to be made that small. God works all things for good, right? That's what the Bible says. We believed it in April, we believed it in June, do we still believe it in November? Honestly, all I could think of in November was breathing, trying to hold my heart in my chest and make sure my legs were working. But yes, I can still say God works all things for good.

What now? It's been 8 years. We should be "over it" by now, right? We should just have another kid, right? I am sure it will get better once we have another child. We need to stop memorializing our dead son, right? The truth is, the pain is just too heavy for people and so people stop calling, people stop texting. What do you do when you're a married couple in your 30's and everyone else in your same life situation has a few little ones running around? Honestly people probably think we're weird because we don't have kids. That's certainly what the world expects you to do right? Get married then have kids. I'm not condemning those that have done this, but what do we do? We weren't technically supposed to have the first one but God is the one in charge of that (despite what we naively thought when we were young and newlywed). Is God going to cause us to get pregnant again? I have no idea. People certainly love to ask us ALL THE TIME if we have kids, but their demeanor sure changes when I answer their question in the last way they expected it to be. "Well, we have 1 son in heaven, but none on earth just yet." Yup, awkward. Yes, we could also adopt children, we are and have been praying about that. It still doesn't change the fact that my son is not here with me. I don't get to teach him, hug him, kiss him, play with him and raise him the way I want and every time I see you living your life with your child, my heart hurts. But this pain I have been given has opened my eyes to a world I was oblivious to before. Just like before, I seek to glorify God in everything I say and do, except that words and deeds are filtered through the unique experiences God chooses to bring us through. It does us no good to envy what God has chosen to give others versus what he gave us, no matter how attractive social media may make it look.

You're maybe wondering how I am doing now, how we're doing now. Truthfully, that is not a short answer so I will typically just say "fine." Truth be told, every day is a struggle in a different way and every day there are triggers that I have to walk through like land mines, you never know when one is coming but it always hurts. When your kid runs and screams past my door, when a child cries, when I see your posts (although I have severely limited my social media interaction over the years). Now these things are not anyone's fault and I certainly can't and wouldn't ask anyone to try and limit these things from happening, it's not your burden to bare, it's mine. But that is just a small glimpse into what I am dealing with. I don't get to receive a card with my son's handwriting on it, I don't get to post a smiley pic with my son as we go out and celebrate this day, I don't really feel like enjoying a root beer after church (although tbh, I don't necessarily care for RB anyway). This is my world, and it is painful and there is nothing I can do except trust and lean on my Heavenly Father and keep moving forward to do His will because that is why I am here.

I know that some of my words may feel a little harsh and might even hurt to hear, I am sorry if I have caused you any pain, but this is just a small glimpse into everything I am feeling. To the men out there that may read this post, please do not fall into the temptation to view your emotions the way the men of the early 1900's did, that they are only for the women. Do not be afraid to sit in your pain for a little bit and then go and talk to someone you can trust about what you are thinking and feeling. Preferably I would encourage that someone to be someone that can reflect what you are saying against what the Bible says (although that does not mean you need to quote Scripture at someone sharing their pain, most of the time you simply need to listen). I also want to remind everyone out there of a saying a recently heard from someone, "just because somebody carries something well, does not mean that it is not heavy." I know so many of you look at me or my wife and easily think we are amazing people because of what we've gone through and while we appreciate those words and comments, the best thing we can hope for you to get from what we are going through is to take it in, let it enter your heart, carry the pain for a bit and then use it to walk through your life with new eyes as you deal with others that are hurting as well as your own pain. May it all be for the glory of God our loving Father. For those of you who are hurting right now, please do not walk through this alone. Exodus 17 tells of an amazing account where God's people were up against their first big enemy since leaving Egypt and they were getting their butts kicked until their leader Moses lifted the staff that God gave him as a reminder of His continued presence. So long as Moses would life that staff in the air, symbolizing their dependency on God, the Israelites were successful. The problem was, sometimes you are too weak to do this on your own. Thankfully, Moses was not alone, he had Aaron and Her with him who would literally hold his arms up so that God's people could be victorious. Yes, you need to keep moving forward despite your pain, but that does not mean you have to do it alone, get some people by your side to hold you up when you can't do it on your own. Just make sure they are always pointing you back to the one that actually brings the victory.

Bereaved Mothers Day

Everyone knows that Mothers Day falls on the second Sunday of May. Many of us have grown up getting chocolate, flowers, and cards for our mother as well as likely helping since we were little to prepare the traditional "breakfast in bed" for her as well. Now I know that this is not necessarily the case for everyone. There are many people out there who perhaps have lost their mother or may not have even known their mother in the first place. This is a hard reality to deal with and should not be dismissed or minimized. This was not my experience, and while I cannot fully understand how anyone who's had this experience is feeling, I can imagine enough of what it would be like for me to feel the sorrow, pain and grief that they are feeling. I hope that you know that if this is your experience that I weep with you and I pray for you during this difficult day. You are not alone and your feelings matter. Know that you are loved and there are people out there who will sit with you in your sorrow. If nothing else, I pray that you know the Savior of mankind, Jesus, who knows your heart and loved you enough to die for you.

Now while, this post is not about those who have lost their mothers, I felt it important to acknowledge the other facets of difficulty that come with holidays like this. I am slightly divided when it comes to creating new holidays for new categories of people because while I do think that we need to have awareness of what people are going through as well as sensitivity to what our brothers and sisters are going through. However, on the other hand, I also do not want to encourage simply creating a separate time for every individual going through something unique. I would much rather develop a culture that is more sensitive to all these people that are struggling. This process is however a slow process, and so for now, I will use the season that we are in and the resources at my disposal to help spread awareness and consideration for our struggle in hope that it will: 1-inform the masses on how they can better minister to people they say they care for and 2-give courage to those who are walking through their own emotional and mental battle to share their pain that I and others may minister to them as well. 

For my wife & I, the pain we have been called to walk with is that of living in a world that worships children, all the while, knowing that we were only given an hour and nine minutes, plus the time in utero with our precious son, Cyrus. This is what bereaved mothers day is, a safe day on the week before the Sunday where everything becomes about the mother's who were blessed with longer lives. It is a celebration of their life and the impact their mother has had on their lives and I do believe they are worthy of recognition, as I plan to celebrate and recognize my birth mother and mother by marriage, both of whom I am tremendously thankful for. However, that is not what this is about. For my wife, Ali, & countless others in this world, Mother's Day is a reminder of the child that is missing from all the celebration. It is also a unique situation because there are many that have lost a child but now have a living child since then, and while no child can ever replace another, it is different because the world still recognizes those mothers on Mother's Day because they can see them as mothers because there's a kid with them. It is different when you are a mother but you don't have a child with you that shows this to the world. Instead, you are left with memories and thoughts of what could have been. This is the reality and norm for these mothers (and fathers). We do not blame all of you that have living children, but we do feel like if maybe more people remembered and understood that it would 1-given them an appreciation for what they have and 2-help them to be aware and sensitive in how they interact with others that if people only knew, might say or do things differently.

One of the ways our society has been growing is gaining an increased awareness of insensitivities towards other people groups so that we can be more effective in how we connect with the people around us. There are so many people that have been wounded over insensitivities we've all committed unknowingly and so for those that desire to do better, it is helpful to share the pain of your experiences but I know that is not easy. There are those that you have possibly shared with before and they were not as kind of that precious and delicate information you chose to share with them. Please do not judge everyone by the interaction and response of a few. It will never be easy to carry this burden but knowing there are people around who care can make the burden so much more bearable. We will continue to exercise wisdom and discernment while still trying to be brave and bold to step out in faith as the Lord puts people in our lives we feel called to share our pain with in hopes that we can be a blessing to each other.

Once again, please know that we do not wish for parents of living children to feel awkward or guilty or anything like that around us, but there are some truths that cannot be denied. Seeing any child, especially one that is younger is a constant reminder of our son, whom we love and miss. Hearing children screaming, crying is very triggering for us. When conversations center around people and their children it makes us feel like we have nothing to contribute because no one wants us to inject the sorrow of talking about our son who isn't alive. We are in a very weird category of being an age where most people our age already have children, and those who are younger and maybe aren't married yet only want to interact so much with the older couple that doesn't have kids for some reason. And those that are married but don't have kids are likely not going to take long before they start thinking about having children because that's the way the world we live in conditions us to think we need to do. Essentially, if you don't have kids people think you're broken. It is similar to how people often treat single people as though they are broken because they are not married. It is not fair, but it is what it is.

All this to say, I am not sharing this to push people away or make people feel uncomfortable (even though I am sure that happens automatically to some degree). I share this info to invite you into our world. Yes, it is heavy at times and yes there are tears and sorrow but there can also be great joy. We are passionate about our son and the brief time we got to spend with him. You are welcome to ask us about him, we will not stray away from sharing. We've even got pictures we can share (which is a blessing we do not take for granted). This is a journey we are still walking through. We were both reminded last night of how many people love to get puppies around when they have their children so they can "grow up together" and while that is a sweet sentiment, we also got our sweet Lois around the time Cyrus was to be born, and we would have loved for them to grow up together as well, but that's not what God planned for us. I am so thankful for our sweet Lois whom we love so much. She has indeed been an emotional support pet for both of us nearly every day. Think of it this way, when you get pregnant, your body automatically starts to generate this new level of love that you one day pour into your new child. It builds and builds during the pregnancy and so it is at a very high level when the child is born. Which is why it takes several years for your heart to get used to that new and special love you lavish on your child. But what do you do when that child passes away before you even get a chance to pour that love out? That's where we are. Our hearts are so full of love that was designed to be poured into our child, but he can't receive it because he is in the presence of Jesus (I know he's not complaining, Jesus is far better). We are left here alone trying to figure this all out. It has taken time and much counseling and trial and error but we are growing, strengthening, learning and developing. But the triggers are still there and we still need support. 

So I invite you to see us differently, for who we really are. We don't hate children, but our hearts ache as we remember that ours is missing. We don't hate parents either, but we don't feel like we can connect with you in your world because your world revolves around your child, and ours is missing. Lord willing, maybe one day the Lord will call us to have some living children of our own either by birth or adoption, but no child will ever replace our sweet Cyrus. Would you consider remembering and still celebrating ALL the mothers next week (and maybe those bereaved mothers specifically today)? Thank you to those who took the time to read this in its entirety and who continue to love and support us diligently. We do not take you for granted. 

Psalm 34:18 - 18 The Lord is near the brokenhearted; he saves those crushed in spirit.

Valentine's Day - What it's not

A Starting Place

Yesterday was February the 14th and for the majority of the world this is a day that is full of a variety of different emotions. For any of you that have known me for an extended period of time, you likely know my feelings on the topic of Valentine's Day and that I am not a fan because it is a made up holiday that is geared towards simply selling cards, chocolates and stuffed animals at unreasonably high prices and do not get me started on jewelry. Now before you start off talking about how Valentine's Day isn't a made up holiday and how it actually started off with Saint Valentine who was martyred and buried on February 14th... let me point out that while those may or may not be facts, however, I am far more interested in the reality of what decisions and things people actually do on said day indicate versus some historical events we use to simply defend incorrect behavior. If you're interested, the same can be said about Saint Patrick's Day and to be honest, Christmas is not far from the same thing, but that is a different conversation for a different time. Look it up.

One of the main reasons I take such strong issue with this day is due to the continued social pressure that points to those that are in relationships as being "whole" or "complete" or more valuable and that those who single are less valuable or incomplete. Of course nobody would ever say that and most people probably don't even think that, but the truth is that the decisions made and the society we allow to continue furthers that exact concept. So there it is, the true heart of what I think and feel. You may or may not agree, but feel free to read on if you wish but it will be more of the same. My point in writing/posting is the hope of changing or at least expanding the thinking and behavioral patterns of some for the bettering of society as a whole.

The Big Issue

For years now I have observed a growing pattern of "single-shaming" mentality and the saddest part for me is that it seems to come mostly from the Christian community. People seem to treat being single as "paying your dues" until you can one day get married and become what they are "supposed to be." The idea seems to be that you are not complete until you are married. As someone who grew up in the church and in a Christian home I am very familiar with what the Bible says on the topic. However, far more often than not, the verses that are highlighted are the ones that describe the beautiful sanctity that is true biblical marriage versus the practical benefits of remaining single, and even more importantly, the fulfillment that is designed to come in a relationship with Christ. Do not mishear me, I am not against marriage. The way that God designed two souls to complete each other is more beautiful than I can describe with words. Marriage can be a tremendous blessing but it is because I hold it in such a high regard that I believe it should not be entered into lightly and the pressure that our Christian society places on people to do so causes one of two things, both of which are bad. The first is it causes people to live their lives of singleness distracted by an idea that they can never be as effective in ministry or be as complete in their lives until they find "the one." This pressure causes people to more often than not rush into a relationship for which they are ill prepared and possible not even designed to enter into, that's the second thing. You heard me right, I do not believe that marriage is for everyone. 

The apostle Paul makes a point in his first letter to the Corinthian church, amidst talking about marriage in such great detail to include a warning and council to those that are not yet married.

8 To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. 9 But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

Paul takes the same stance that I do, not condoning marriage but no condoning single-hood either. Yet this is rarely ever brought up in church circles. There is a variety of reasons that this needs to be addressed but one of the biggest indicators is the increasingly high divorce rates, especially among those active in the Church. Obviously it is difficult if not impossible to actually track statistics amongst actual followers of Christ so the only indicators we have are those that are at least actively attending church in some capacity. According to most of the statistics out there divorce rates have been on a steady increase over the last 20 to 30 years and while the numbers have been going down the last few years for the first time in a while, much of those statistics come from the reality that divorces are down because marriages are down. The world has seen how the Church treats marriage and has come to minimize it even more. These days people are more likely to get married for tax benefits than for actual "love." This is definitely not the effect I think God intended when He created it in the first place. 

In addition, you may have noticed that more and more people are getting married later in life as a result of a variety of different realties, but one of the strongest being the high rate of divorce amongst so many of the people that they grew up basing their understanding of what marriage to be. I think that people getting married later in life is a great evolution from the generations when people were getting married between the ages of 14 and 21, when you're understanding of things is still so unfinished and your maturity and wisdom is still very lacking, however, I am still greatly saddened over the cause of this new trend.

Christian Divorce = Oxymoron

Far too many Christians are getting divorced which tells me that people just are not viewing it in the permanent sense that God has ordained it. It also tells me that people are entering into this covenant way too carelessly. I get it, for years and years we have grown up in societies where marriage was just the natural next step. You go to school, you meet someone and fall in  love, you get married, find a job, have a few kids and live out your life in the fantasy world of "happily ever after." But what happens if you skip a step? So many of my friends didn't fall in love, are they destined to live without the "happily ever after?" Is this God's plan? Did they do something wrong? Is there a reason they haven't met "the right one" yet? Is it possible that they are called to live a life married to the Lord and his calling for their life could still be ministry? If so, is this an inferior life? Is it less than the life of a married couple? Absolutely not. Marriage is wonderful, of course, but it is meant to be a permanent relationship like that of Christ to His church. You wouldn't want Jesus viewing His relationship to the church the way many Americans view their marriages, I assure you. However, if that's not enough of a reason there is still more to consider.

A new type of Cultural Awareness

We are on the brink of a new level of cultural awareness in America. People are facing the consequences of living by their conditioning and pre-conceived notions without ever checking them to see if they are wise and helpful to the people they are affecting. I look forward to the days when discrimination of any kind is shamed and the norm is treating people with care, respect and decency. In essence, following that age old "golden rule" of treating others as you would want to be treated. However, as we continue to lead our society into a more evolved age, I do not want there to be any blind spots. We must train ourselves to stop asking questions and making statements that not only secretly hurt and wound those around us; that not only highlight our ignorance of the person we are talking to; but also furthers an attitude and group mentality that says it is ok and therefore is allowed to continue. 

How often when you meet someone new do you start off by asking if they are in a relationship with anyone? How long does the conversation go until that question comes out? I would imagine it is probably pretty soon. I bet if you were to ask a single person how often they are asked the question or a variant of it, you might be surprised. But it doesn't stop there. Once someone is dating someone how long does it take before you ask them when they're going to get married? And once they get married, how soon before you ask them about when they are going to start having kids? You may read that and wonder what the big deal is. The big deal is that you are taking something that you believe is normal and "supposed to happen" and you are impressing those beliefs onto someone with whom they may have absolutely no bearing whatsoever. What if the couple can't have kids and every time someone asks them that question it reinforces the lie that the devil whispers in their ear that they are not complete? What if every time you ask about marriage it forces them to consider jumping into a complex level of a relationship that was not meant to be entered into lightly and it is meant to last forever, but what if they are not with the right person? And what if every time you ask someone if they are dating someone you are undermining the Holy Spirit possibly calling them to an equally fulfilled life of full dedication to serving God in ways that a married person would never be able to do? Do you see the problem here? I know it sounds extreme, but it is worth stating, it is possible that you could be a tool for the enemy, the defeated one, as he wants nothing more than to hinder and destroy any chance of our being effective in accomplishing the will of our Creator for His ultimate glory. What if instead of asking new people you meet those questions based on your reality, you simply ask the question, "what is important any our life" or "hey, what are the things you are excited about right now?" These questions still show you are interested and you want to go deeper, but it also allows you to gain perspective and insight on who they are before you start throwing your own presuppositions onto them that may not even apply. Something to think about.

New Beginnings 

Look, I am not saying that Valentine's Day is a bad thing but if it really is the anniversary of Christian martyr Saint Valentino then it makes far more sense to me that we spend that day celebrating the love that God displayed for us in sending His son and the love Christ has displayed for his bride, the church. I am also not saying that we can't spend some degree of time expressing love for the people that God has put in our lives (honestly, that is something that needs to be happening every day), but we do need to stop treating our earthly relationships as idols and substitutes for a relationship that was always designed to be primary and priority, which is the one with God and His son, our Savior, Jesus Christ. It was Jesus that said the greatest commandment is to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul & mind (Matt. 22:37; Mark 12:30; Luke 10:27). Jesus also said that Christians will be KNOWN, meaning famous for, our love for each other (Jn. 13:35). It may not seem like it from this post, but "I have and always will be, the optimist, the hoper of far-flung hopes and the dreamer of improbable dreams" (DW 6.5). This means that I do not believe people are intentionally and consciously doing and saying these things on purpose with full knowledge and understanding of the damage they are inflicting. That is why it is so important for people to speak and people to listen. We should never assume we are right or that we have all the information. We should be continuous learners and always working to become better versions of ourselves. As Christians this means that we make God's Word priority and strive to be more and more like the one whom we bear the name of, Christians (translated little-Christ). For those that have not surrendered to that truth, it simple means you never settle with who you are, sure, at your core, the things that make you unique because God made you that way should never change and you should be confident in that part of who you are, but the other part of you, the fluid part that has simply been shaped by the world around you should always be evaluated and measured against the ever growing understanding of truth.

A Calling to Evaluate

Allow me to conclude all of this by appealing to my brothers and sisters in Christ, specifically those of you that have this out of date mind frame, which typically seems to be those that are in relationships of some kind, usually married people. Please stop treating single people as though they are less than you, adjust your thinking and realize that they are not to be pitied as though they were lacking in some way. As you have conversations and relationships with these people, realize that they are just as valuable to God and useful in accomplishing His calling on their lives as you are. Marriage is not for everyone and in actuality, these people have freedom and flexibility to be effective in ministry in a way that you married people will never come close to, so we need these people in our churches. They are not weird, they are not broken, so you do not need to constantly try to pair them up, play match maker and constantly ask them about who they're interested in. Instead, we need more ministries directed at growing these people up in the Word and reminding them that they are still called and can still be effective without constantly having your worldview rubbed in their face. Yes, if they sense God calling or directing them to join as one flesh to another then great, but that should happen in God's perfect timing as He directs, not as you direct. 

Leadership needs to evolve; the ones that are teaching and preaching, the ones that are writing books and curriculum, all of this needs to reflect a new way of thinking about marriage and singleness. I recently read a book for school and while the book was surprisingly better than I expected it to be, one flaw that stood out to me was how it dedicated practically an entire chapter to discussing marriage and only one paragraph to addressing singleness. I see this happen over and over again, preachers will teach on marriage but I have never heard a sermon preached on singleness and how to do it well. There are so many ministry jobs out there where they are only looking to hire married people and while there are certain ministry jobs that do lend themselves more to married people according to scripture, there are still so many other jobs that could be done so much more effectively by singles. As I mentioned before, when we see two people beginning a relationship or getting married we so often jump on the boat of congratulations that we never actually check with them to make sure they are doing the right thing. We need to remind people that it is ok to be single and that marriage must be entered cautiously and reverently. Honestly, I believe that for a great many people out there, their spouses and children have become idols, but that is a post for another time. I will simply say this, if you are skipping church to spend time with the family, your priorities are quite evident and they are misaligned but it is not too late to change. Your relationship with God should always be at the top of the list, the thing that sustains you in a way that nothing else can and that should be consistent across the board, whether you are married or single. 

Wrapping Up

There it is, I have put it all out there, I could keep going on this for a while but I would likely be simply beating a dead horse, even more so than I already have. I invite you to be an agent for change in the next generation church. Start implementing changes today, right now. Pray to God to give you a renewed perspective on this often overlooked category of people in the church today. If you are single and reading this, I hope you hear that you are not defective and the church is not just a match-maker party and on behalf of the church, I apologize for the many many years of neglect you have experienced, please do not give up on us and do not stay silent. Your voice needs to be heard because you matter to God and He has a plan for you. For those of you that are married, there is some damage control that needs to be done and the change starts with you. You must be willing to admit that you have been wrong and be willing to change for the better. Well you have a year to think it through before the next Valentines day. I recommend you start working on establishing some new and better habits and work to eliminate some bad ones that may have been conditioned in nativity for the majority of your life. It will most certainly not be easy, but since when is anything worth doing ever easy? Let's retake Valentines Day and make it a day that all people can celebrate, married or single. You may say I am naive, and maybe I am, but I told you that I am an optimist.

Mother’s Day is hard

Trent Hopper

*Warning, the content of this message is personal & intimate & potentially heavy. 

Please read with caution & care. Thank you.

Mother’s Day is a day that is filled with a lot of different emotions for my wife and me. On the one hand we have both grown up celebrating and admiring and honoring our amazing mothers every year since we were little because of how much they do for us (which sounds selfish and self-absorbed when you think about it) but also mostly because of the innate love-connection bond that all children share with their mothers. There is just something unique and somewhat indescribable about the relationship between parent and child, I would even say it is biblical. All of these things then lead most humans to get used to and expect a “normal” cycle of continuation where as you get older you eventually have children of your own and those children celebrate you as well as the people around you celebrate the new role that you are now privileged to take on. 

But what happens when the cycle gets broken? What happens when things don’t go the way for you that they seem to go for most everyone else? Now you’re stuck in a new and different place and it is very challenging to find your place in that world. My wife and I are empty-armed parents. We have a son and his name is Cyrus. He was born at 7:31am on November 25^th, 2013 in our hometown of Charlotte, NC. He weighed 3 lbs. 12 oz and was 16 inches long. He was a beautiful baby boy with very big hands, just like me. This was one of the happiest days ever, but one hour and nine minutes later Cyrus Kal-El Hopper breathed his last and entered into eternity (I believe that he entered into the arms of Jesus) but my wife & I were left behind. Many other people all over the world have gone through this or something like this. Some have gone on to have other living children and while they can relate in some ways, it is very different when you’ve lost a child and have no living children since. So, what do we do now? Nearly 5 years later and living on the other side of the country where no one here has ever met him. People have seen pictures, they’ve commented on our tattoos and we do not shy away from talking about him to anyone who wants to know about him most of the time. But on days like today where everyone celebrates the mothers of the world, we experience the day through different lenses.

On the one hand, as an empty-armed mother you want to stand on top of a mountain and scream as loud as you can to the entire world “I AM A MOTHER TOO! I HAVE A SON! HIS NAME IS CYRUS!” But on the other hand, you also want to cower into a ball in bed and stay there until the whole day is over with. It’s a struggle for sure. Let me assure you first and foremost that we are doing much better today than we were five years ago. This will always be a struggle, and certain days will always bring difficulty, but this is our life. God is faithful, and He gives us the strength to persevere like nothing else but just because you can carry it, doesn’t mean it’s not still heavy. Thank you, Jesus, for always loving us and having a plan for us even when we cannot see it or understand it. Just like Job who though he trusted God it did not stop him from crying out in weakness and frustration. Sometimes the pressure in the tea pot builds and you just have to whistle. This is simply something that it would be nice if the world would understand.

So, what does this mean to you? Or FOR you? Yes, you, the reader that cared enough to click a link and read this far. Well, it means that you have a choice. How you want to respond is your right or privilege and we have no say in it. But if you find your heart being drawn in and you feel the desire to connect with us or be part of what makes days like this better then there are some things you might like to know. This day typically means that there are mothers with their children everywhere, and while that is great and wonderful, for people like us it is extra hard. Seeing parents holding and celebrating with their children, smiling, laughing and enjoying their day makes us long for that with our son that didn’t get to be here on this earth very long. The very sound of children running around and just being children or babies crying as babies do is a very hard sound to hear. That’s not your fault, but it’s our reality. It’s very difficult to go to restaurants today and celebrate my sweet wife’s motherhood because we are surrounded by people who do not see this day through the lens that we do. Again, not their fault, just our reality. Now all of these things are regular realities every day, but they are just amplified on days like this. It might be good to just keep it in mind. Know that when your child is around we are thinking of ours. When your child makes a noise, we are missing the noise our child never gets to make and that it hard. There are very few “safe” places these days where we can go and just know that there won’t be any “triggers” that will make any particular moment harder than we expected it to be, and we have had to get used to that. It’s like when you’ve been in a bad hard accident and every time you hear a car horn or tires screeching you immediately get tense all over. Or if you have been exposed to an abusive relationship and hearing people argue or screaming brings back those difficult memories. Or even when soldiers come back from war and so many potential sights and sounds can trigger memories that are sometime hard to bear. We all have pain that we are dealing with that is hard for each of us to carry at times, this is our pain that we live with every day.

So, what should you do today or any day that you see one of us or any empty-armed parent? First and foremost is simply REMEMBER! Remember that we have a son too. Remember that we are parents. I know it can invoke sadness in your own heart to think about these things and that sometimes that sadness is just too much right now and therefore it is easier to just forget. But if you can handle it, we invite you to remember with us. The sadness eventually becomes bearable and it ultimately gives you a greater understanding. It’s ok to let a little sadness in if it means it expands your understanding of the people around you. But it doesn’t have to stay sad. You can ask us questions about our son, we like to talk about him. Granted, we don’t have new every day stories we can share about what he did the other day which is unfortunate, but our son still existed, and we don’t mind talking to those that genuinely care and are curious. Perhaps don’t ask us about him while you’re holding your child, lol, but we would love to talk about our beautiful son Cyrus with you. Feel free to wish my Ali a happy Mother’s Day, love on her, give her a hug or tell her how much she means to you. These are things you can even do on any day (except obviously wish her a Happy Mother’s Day, because that would be weird). My wife is very selective in what and when she talks (the complete opposite of me) but this should not be interpreted as meaning she doesn’t want to talk. Yes, some days are harder than others, but the kind words and thoughts of friends and family are always appreciated. 

So, on this Mother’s Day, which is technically a made-up Hallmark holiday (which typically I do not like or celebrate), it is very important to me to recognize the people this day connects my heart to. My mother whom I love and miss being able to see as much as I used to since she is on the east coast and I am on the west. She is far from perfect but the love she has in her heart is not to be trifled with. She taught me how to love by displaying it every day of my life. She is wear I get my love for hugs from and I cherish her more than I can express in words. She (and my dad) work very hard to make sure our son is remembered in their own unique way and it means so much to me & my wife. 

When I married my wife, I wasn’t just joining with her but also with her entire family which comes pre-packaged with a mother in law like none anyone has ever seen before. God broke the mold with her for sure, but I don’t want to imagine my life without her. She gives and gives and gives and while she also, is not perfect, she is not afraid to try until she gets it right. Her hear naturally pours out all over those whom she loves. It may not always be the way you want or expect but it happens regardless. Both of these wonderful women have walked with us through tremendous darkness, have prayed by our side and have continued to support us (along with our dads) in emotional ways, financial way, and many more ways that would take too long to list. I include you both in this because you are so valuable to us and we love and appreciate you greatly. 

When you fall in love with someone, it’s true that love does blind you because you can’t see your future or the potential hazards ahead, all you know is that your heart overflows for this person (which I believe is from the Lord) and you want to join your life with theirs. Blemishes and all. I had no idea what the road would look like, but I would not want it any other way. This is the life that God chose for me when I married Kristi Alexis Belote. I could tell she would be a great mom, but I had no clue as to the depth of that but as I have watched her and walked beside her these 10 years and half of that as a mom, I am continuously blown away. She carried our son with great strength and perseverance. She never gave up on our son, no matter what the doctors said and no matter what the statistics said, and she carried him successfully into this world like the champion that she is. Then even more than that, she has exhibited supernatural strength as she has continued to walk this life as an amazing wife even after having to say good-bye to our amazing first & only born son. She does everything in her power to make sure that his life is remembered, and she displays and proves that she is carrying him in her heart every single day. I cannot imagine a stronger woman that I respect and admire more.

So, to the three most important women in my world, I love you so very much and I wish you the best that I can on this day. Not that you would be “happy” because who knows what that really even means, but instead that you would know that you have been faithful in doing what your heavenly Father made you and ordained you to do and you have done it with excellence. May this day simply be a small token of the many badges of honor that you already wear.

It is mother’s day and you are mothers.

Life/Ministry Updates and Current Needs

Hello All! So it has been quite a while since we posted an update and we are truly sorry for that! We are in the process of updating our blog site and will let you know as soon as that is ready. After that, we plan to post monthly detailed updates (and photos!) about what all God is doing here in SoCal.

SO we basically hit the ground running last January and kind of feel like we haven’t stopped since! After arriving in Ontario from our cross-country drive we moved into the Student Housing Apartments of Gateway Seminary. We have a one-bedroom unit (which is probably just about the same size as our previous Master Bedroom/Bathroom in our home in Charlotte). Needless to say, we have down-sized significantly. Soon after we arrived we began searching for jobs, but this became a much more difficult task than we would have imagined. In fact, neither of us was able to land a job until we had been here for several months. This created a lot of financial stress but by God’s grace (and a couple generous gifts from some of you) we managed to get by. Thankfully, we each finally got part-time positions at the Seminary. Trent got a job in the IT department in late July and I got a job in the Mailroom in Early August. Since then, we have been working tirelessly to succeed in Seminary courses, at work, and in Ministry.

During the first 3 months here, we attended 12 different area churches with the hope of finding somewhere to serve and get connected. After all of our searching we were still unclear as to where God was calling us. But just about that time, we learned of a new church plant that was just getting started by a few people at Gateway. We started attending the planning meetings and after a few weeks we felt called to serve at this new church, as we could be a part of the planting team. We felt that since we had been called to California to plant churches, that we should get started right away and take advantage of this unique opportunity to serve along other Missionaries and Planters who have a wealth of experience and knowledge. After several months of planning, we launched our first service to the public in early August. We have since been faithfully volunteering at Rosena Church.

We are so thankful for all that has happened in the past year and for all the new relationships we have made. We have already made so many contacts with area church planters, pastors, missionaries and more! We are especially grateful for the community we have in the Student Housing Apartments as that has been a great blessing to us both.

At this point I (Alex) am working 3 part-time jobs (Mailroom Clerk, Classroom Technician, and Café Server/Barista) at the Seminary. Trent is also working 2 part-time jobs, in addition to attending School full time and keeping up with the course-work. We are so thankful to have work but we are still struggling to cover all of the ongoing expenses of Tuition, Books, and Housing. We have been able to receive some financial aid, but unfortunately it only covers a portion of regular semester tuition (no J-terms or Summer school). We so appreciate everyone who has continued to pray for us on this journey of stepping out in faith, as well as those who have generously donated. We feel we are at a point where we are doing all that we can, and yet we are still coming up short, but we know that God is able. Will you please pray that we will be able to keep Trent in school? He is about to finish his 3^rd semester, which means he is about half way through. Please also pray for the opportunity of a full-time position for me, and possibly Trent as that would help our situation tremendously. 

If you feel led to send monetary support, you can do that easily by making a tax-deductible donation via our Sending Church in Charlotte, Sharon Forest.

Please make checks Payable to:

Sharon Forest Baptist Church

With a note in the Memo: “Trent and Alex Hopper”

And mail to: Attn: Randy Lankford

                               5160 Shoreview Dr.

                               Concord, NC 28025

Any amount would be a blessing to us. One-time, or monthly donations are both appreciated. As always, we covet your prayers as we continue to follow God’s call on our lives as we seek to spread HIS love here in Southern California.

We miss you all greatly! We would love to hear from you either via Facebook or email but especially by snail mail. Here is our address:

                       Trent and Alex Hopper

                       1536 E Princeton St.

                       Apt. 11

                       Ontario, CA 91764

With love,

Alex (and Trent)

A beautiful reminder

Well it was our first Sunday worshipping in our new home in Ontario, California and it was a strange amazing experience. It is still a little strange sensation meeting new people and telling them how we came to be here. If you're not a Christian then nothing about what we did makes any sense because we gave up our home, family and practically everything we own to come here because we trust that our God knows best and so when He calls we answer.

I am happy to say that we do officially have a couch to sit on, a bed to sleep on and food in our fridge. There are still several boxes around the apartment to unpack and we're still trying to decide if and where we want to "hang" a few things on the wall. And by "hang" I mean use command strips because we are still living by our no holes, no paint policy. I still need to get a few of our utilities switched over to our name as we approach being here for 1 full week but we have finally gotten internet at the apartment which is what allows me to finally post a new blog since we used up almost all our data driving accross the country.

Here's some of the biggest updates since my last post: Friday was New Student Orientation was Friday and it went very well. I got to meet several other seminary students, some with beards and sadly some without. We toured the campus again and most importantly I got to hear first hand the hearts of some of the staff at Gateway like Jeff Iorg (the President), Adam Groza, Shane Tawnigawa and a couple others as well. It was so refreshing to hear them all have such a common heart for sharing the Gospel, planting churches and placing priority on family and church service. It has me very excited for classes (not tomorrow but on the 30th, oops, so yay an extra week before class).

Next update is that we've been experiencing our yearly supply of rain over the course of the next 2 days. It started on Friday, we got a break from it yesterday and it has continued again today and at least for all day tomorrow. Prayers would be appreciated as we are on the lower floor and California does not necessarily have proper irrigation. I have bought some portable water blockers to keep water away from our door and so far they seem to be working. The last update is that we got to go worship for the first time on the west coast at a church plant called The Vine. It was a wonderful experience and we are looking forward to visiting others and making as many connections as possible. You can pray for this as well that the Lord would direct us to where He wants us to serve and get connected.

I still haven't fully gotten used to being here yet. As I drive around doing different errands I still can't help but notice this giant beautiful mountain everywhere I look. If you're not familiar with the geography of Ontario, CA there is a mouintain called Baldy that you can see from almost anywhere in the citry and surrounding areas. It is gorgeous (when you can see it, sometimes smog blocks it from sight) but it's also a very beautiful reminder that I am not home. I can be walking around a Walmart, a Lowes or whatever and it could just so easily be a Walmart or Lowes that I would frequent in good ole Charlotte, NC on a fairly regular basis (sometimes mulitple times a day) but then I step outside and there it is...that beautiful reminder...that I am not home. In fact, I am on the other side of the country and 3 hours behind all my family and east coast friends. It is definitely going ot take some getting used to. My sweet and beautiful wife has finally been able to make us some home cooked meals and in fact is doing so as I type. Please continue to pray for us, as they are needed and very much working. We miss you all so very much. Feel free to email us or even better send us a card. Our address is 1536 E. Princeton St. Apt 11 Ontario, CA 91764. Until the next one :)

If only...

As Ali and I have been driving across so many different highways, insterstates and back roads going accross the country I have noticed a certain sign quite frequently and I always hate to see it. The sign says "Rough Road Ahead" and basically it means that there is a stretch of road coming up that has multiple bumps, craters pot holes etc that can make your driving experience quite unpleasant (especially when you are driving a 16' truck and car trailer). It doesn't matter how fast or slow you go it is going to be unpleasant, frustrating and annoying.

If only real life came with warning signs like this so that we could know when "Rough Roads" are ahead. It's not like it would make a huge difference, I still have to drive the road and there's not really time to turn or stop so you just have to end up plowing forward knowing that shortly your journey is going to get bad. So often we think that it would be better if God would share His plans with us and let us in on His thinking...but as I have had time to reflect on some "rough roads" that I've gone through I don't know if I could stand to know what was coming.

Here is the weird thing, as bumpy and unpleasant as the road was, it was almost completely contained within the right lane...the left lane was almost perfect. If I would just shift over to the left a little bit the whole experience was completely different. I think that if when we go through these unpleasant parts of life we shift just a little bit to what God's perspectivce is, it may not take us off the "rough road" but it does may the overall experience more bareable. This unfortunately isn't as easy as just shifting to the left lane but it is still possible. Ask God to use you to point others to Him even in the midst of hardship. You may have to ask more than once and getting in the Word and knealing before the Father on a regular basis sure makes this easier, but don't take my word for it. Try it out.