Mother’s Day is hard

Trent Hopper

*Warning, the content of this message is personal & intimate & potentially heavy. 

Please read with caution & care. Thank you.

Mother’s Day is a day that is filled with a lot of different emotions for my wife and me. On the one hand we have both grown up celebrating and admiring and honoring our amazing mothers every year since we were little because of how much they do for us (which sounds selfish and self-absorbed when you think about it) but also mostly because of the innate love-connection bond that all children share with their mothers. There is just something unique and somewhat indescribable about the relationship between parent and child, I would even say it is biblical. All of these things then lead most humans to get used to and expect a “normal” cycle of continuation where as you get older you eventually have children of your own and those children celebrate you as well as the people around you celebrate the new role that you are now privileged to take on. 

But what happens when the cycle gets broken? What happens when things don’t go the way for you that they seem to go for most everyone else? Now you’re stuck in a new and different place and it is very challenging to find your place in that world. My wife and I are empty-armed parents. We have a son and his name is Cyrus. He was born at 7:31am on November 25^th, 2013 in our hometown of Charlotte, NC. He weighed 3 lbs. 12 oz and was 16 inches long. He was a beautiful baby boy with very big hands, just like me. This was one of the happiest days ever, but one hour and nine minutes later Cyrus Kal-El Hopper breathed his last and entered into eternity (I believe that he entered into the arms of Jesus) but my wife & I were left behind. Many other people all over the world have gone through this or something like this. Some have gone on to have other living children and while they can relate in some ways, it is very different when you’ve lost a child and have no living children since. So, what do we do now? Nearly 5 years later and living on the other side of the country where no one here has ever met him. People have seen pictures, they’ve commented on our tattoos and we do not shy away from talking about him to anyone who wants to know about him most of the time. But on days like today where everyone celebrates the mothers of the world, we experience the day through different lenses.

On the one hand, as an empty-armed mother you want to stand on top of a mountain and scream as loud as you can to the entire world “I AM A MOTHER TOO! I HAVE A SON! HIS NAME IS CYRUS!” But on the other hand, you also want to cower into a ball in bed and stay there until the whole day is over with. It’s a struggle for sure. Let me assure you first and foremost that we are doing much better today than we were five years ago. This will always be a struggle, and certain days will always bring difficulty, but this is our life. God is faithful, and He gives us the strength to persevere like nothing else but just because you can carry it, doesn’t mean it’s not still heavy. Thank you, Jesus, for always loving us and having a plan for us even when we cannot see it or understand it. Just like Job who though he trusted God it did not stop him from crying out in weakness and frustration. Sometimes the pressure in the tea pot builds and you just have to whistle. This is simply something that it would be nice if the world would understand.

So, what does this mean to you? Or FOR you? Yes, you, the reader that cared enough to click a link and read this far. Well, it means that you have a choice. How you want to respond is your right or privilege and we have no say in it. But if you find your heart being drawn in and you feel the desire to connect with us or be part of what makes days like this better then there are some things you might like to know. This day typically means that there are mothers with their children everywhere, and while that is great and wonderful, for people like us it is extra hard. Seeing parents holding and celebrating with their children, smiling, laughing and enjoying their day makes us long for that with our son that didn’t get to be here on this earth very long. The very sound of children running around and just being children or babies crying as babies do is a very hard sound to hear. That’s not your fault, but it’s our reality. It’s very difficult to go to restaurants today and celebrate my sweet wife’s motherhood because we are surrounded by people who do not see this day through the lens that we do. Again, not their fault, just our reality. Now all of these things are regular realities every day, but they are just amplified on days like this. It might be good to just keep it in mind. Know that when your child is around we are thinking of ours. When your child makes a noise, we are missing the noise our child never gets to make and that it hard. There are very few “safe” places these days where we can go and just know that there won’t be any “triggers” that will make any particular moment harder than we expected it to be, and we have had to get used to that. It’s like when you’ve been in a bad hard accident and every time you hear a car horn or tires screeching you immediately get tense all over. Or if you have been exposed to an abusive relationship and hearing people argue or screaming brings back those difficult memories. Or even when soldiers come back from war and so many potential sights and sounds can trigger memories that are sometime hard to bear. We all have pain that we are dealing with that is hard for each of us to carry at times, this is our pain that we live with every day.

So, what should you do today or any day that you see one of us or any empty-armed parent? First and foremost is simply REMEMBER! Remember that we have a son too. Remember that we are parents. I know it can invoke sadness in your own heart to think about these things and that sometimes that sadness is just too much right now and therefore it is easier to just forget. But if you can handle it, we invite you to remember with us. The sadness eventually becomes bearable and it ultimately gives you a greater understanding. It’s ok to let a little sadness in if it means it expands your understanding of the people around you. But it doesn’t have to stay sad. You can ask us questions about our son, we like to talk about him. Granted, we don’t have new every day stories we can share about what he did the other day which is unfortunate, but our son still existed, and we don’t mind talking to those that genuinely care and are curious. Perhaps don’t ask us about him while you’re holding your child, lol, but we would love to talk about our beautiful son Cyrus with you. Feel free to wish my Ali a happy Mother’s Day, love on her, give her a hug or tell her how much she means to you. These are things you can even do on any day (except obviously wish her a Happy Mother’s Day, because that would be weird). My wife is very selective in what and when she talks (the complete opposite of me) but this should not be interpreted as meaning she doesn’t want to talk. Yes, some days are harder than others, but the kind words and thoughts of friends and family are always appreciated. 

So, on this Mother’s Day, which is technically a made-up Hallmark holiday (which typically I do not like or celebrate), it is very important to me to recognize the people this day connects my heart to. My mother whom I love and miss being able to see as much as I used to since she is on the east coast and I am on the west. She is far from perfect but the love she has in her heart is not to be trifled with. She taught me how to love by displaying it every day of my life. She is wear I get my love for hugs from and I cherish her more than I can express in words. She (and my dad) work very hard to make sure our son is remembered in their own unique way and it means so much to me & my wife. 

When I married my wife, I wasn’t just joining with her but also with her entire family which comes pre-packaged with a mother in law like none anyone has ever seen before. God broke the mold with her for sure, but I don’t want to imagine my life without her. She gives and gives and gives and while she also, is not perfect, she is not afraid to try until she gets it right. Her hear naturally pours out all over those whom she loves. It may not always be the way you want or expect but it happens regardless. Both of these wonderful women have walked with us through tremendous darkness, have prayed by our side and have continued to support us (along with our dads) in emotional ways, financial way, and many more ways that would take too long to list. I include you both in this because you are so valuable to us and we love and appreciate you greatly. 

When you fall in love with someone, it’s true that love does blind you because you can’t see your future or the potential hazards ahead, all you know is that your heart overflows for this person (which I believe is from the Lord) and you want to join your life with theirs. Blemishes and all. I had no idea what the road would look like, but I would not want it any other way. This is the life that God chose for me when I married Kristi Alexis Belote. I could tell she would be a great mom, but I had no clue as to the depth of that but as I have watched her and walked beside her these 10 years and half of that as a mom, I am continuously blown away. She carried our son with great strength and perseverance. She never gave up on our son, no matter what the doctors said and no matter what the statistics said, and she carried him successfully into this world like the champion that she is. Then even more than that, she has exhibited supernatural strength as she has continued to walk this life as an amazing wife even after having to say good-bye to our amazing first & only born son. She does everything in her power to make sure that his life is remembered, and she displays and proves that she is carrying him in her heart every single day. I cannot imagine a stronger woman that I respect and admire more.

So, to the three most important women in my world, I love you so very much and I wish you the best that I can on this day. Not that you would be “happy” because who knows what that really even means, but instead that you would know that you have been faithful in doing what your heavenly Father made you and ordained you to do and you have done it with excellence. May this day simply be a small token of the many badges of honor that you already wear.

It is mother’s day and you are mothers.