Valentine's Day - What it's not

A Starting Place

Yesterday was February the 14th and for the majority of the world this is a day that is full of a variety of different emotions. For any of you that have known me for an extended period of time, you likely know my feelings on the topic of Valentine's Day and that I am not a fan because it is a made up holiday that is geared towards simply selling cards, chocolates and stuffed animals at unreasonably high prices and do not get me started on jewelry. Now before you start off talking about how Valentine's Day isn't a made up holiday and how it actually started off with Saint Valentine who was martyred and buried on February 14th... let me point out that while those may or may not be facts, however, I am far more interested in the reality of what decisions and things people actually do on said day indicate versus some historical events we use to simply defend incorrect behavior. If you're interested, the same can be said about Saint Patrick's Day and to be honest, Christmas is not far from the same thing, but that is a different conversation for a different time. Look it up.

One of the main reasons I take such strong issue with this day is due to the continued social pressure that points to those that are in relationships as being "whole" or "complete" or more valuable and that those who single are less valuable or incomplete. Of course nobody would ever say that and most people probably don't even think that, but the truth is that the decisions made and the society we allow to continue furthers that exact concept. So there it is, the true heart of what I think and feel. You may or may not agree, but feel free to read on if you wish but it will be more of the same. My point in writing/posting is the hope of changing or at least expanding the thinking and behavioral patterns of some for the bettering of society as a whole.

The Big Issue

For years now I have observed a growing pattern of "single-shaming" mentality and the saddest part for me is that it seems to come mostly from the Christian community. People seem to treat being single as "paying your dues" until you can one day get married and become what they are "supposed to be." The idea seems to be that you are not complete until you are married. As someone who grew up in the church and in a Christian home I am very familiar with what the Bible says on the topic. However, far more often than not, the verses that are highlighted are the ones that describe the beautiful sanctity that is true biblical marriage versus the practical benefits of remaining single, and even more importantly, the fulfillment that is designed to come in a relationship with Christ. Do not mishear me, I am not against marriage. The way that God designed two souls to complete each other is more beautiful than I can describe with words. Marriage can be a tremendous blessing but it is because I hold it in such a high regard that I believe it should not be entered into lightly and the pressure that our Christian society places on people to do so causes one of two things, both of which are bad. The first is it causes people to live their lives of singleness distracted by an idea that they can never be as effective in ministry or be as complete in their lives until they find "the one." This pressure causes people to more often than not rush into a relationship for which they are ill prepared and possible not even designed to enter into, that's the second thing. You heard me right, I do not believe that marriage is for everyone. 

The apostle Paul makes a point in his first letter to the Corinthian church, amidst talking about marriage in such great detail to include a warning and council to those that are not yet married.

8 To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. 9 But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

Paul takes the same stance that I do, not condoning marriage but no condoning single-hood either. Yet this is rarely ever brought up in church circles. There is a variety of reasons that this needs to be addressed but one of the biggest indicators is the increasingly high divorce rates, especially among those active in the Church. Obviously it is difficult if not impossible to actually track statistics amongst actual followers of Christ so the only indicators we have are those that are at least actively attending church in some capacity. According to most of the statistics out there divorce rates have been on a steady increase over the last 20 to 30 years and while the numbers have been going down the last few years for the first time in a while, much of those statistics come from the reality that divorces are down because marriages are down. The world has seen how the Church treats marriage and has come to minimize it even more. These days people are more likely to get married for tax benefits than for actual "love." This is definitely not the effect I think God intended when He created it in the first place. 

In addition, you may have noticed that more and more people are getting married later in life as a result of a variety of different realties, but one of the strongest being the high rate of divorce amongst so many of the people that they grew up basing their understanding of what marriage to be. I think that people getting married later in life is a great evolution from the generations when people were getting married between the ages of 14 and 21, when you're understanding of things is still so unfinished and your maturity and wisdom is still very lacking, however, I am still greatly saddened over the cause of this new trend.

Christian Divorce = Oxymoron

Far too many Christians are getting divorced which tells me that people just are not viewing it in the permanent sense that God has ordained it. It also tells me that people are entering into this covenant way too carelessly. I get it, for years and years we have grown up in societies where marriage was just the natural next step. You go to school, you meet someone and fall in  love, you get married, find a job, have a few kids and live out your life in the fantasy world of "happily ever after." But what happens if you skip a step? So many of my friends didn't fall in love, are they destined to live without the "happily ever after?" Is this God's plan? Did they do something wrong? Is there a reason they haven't met "the right one" yet? Is it possible that they are called to live a life married to the Lord and his calling for their life could still be ministry? If so, is this an inferior life? Is it less than the life of a married couple? Absolutely not. Marriage is wonderful, of course, but it is meant to be a permanent relationship like that of Christ to His church. You wouldn't want Jesus viewing His relationship to the church the way many Americans view their marriages, I assure you. However, if that's not enough of a reason there is still more to consider.

A new type of Cultural Awareness

We are on the brink of a new level of cultural awareness in America. People are facing the consequences of living by their conditioning and pre-conceived notions without ever checking them to see if they are wise and helpful to the people they are affecting. I look forward to the days when discrimination of any kind is shamed and the norm is treating people with care, respect and decency. In essence, following that age old "golden rule" of treating others as you would want to be treated. However, as we continue to lead our society into a more evolved age, I do not want there to be any blind spots. We must train ourselves to stop asking questions and making statements that not only secretly hurt and wound those around us; that not only highlight our ignorance of the person we are talking to; but also furthers an attitude and group mentality that says it is ok and therefore is allowed to continue. 

How often when you meet someone new do you start off by asking if they are in a relationship with anyone? How long does the conversation go until that question comes out? I would imagine it is probably pretty soon. I bet if you were to ask a single person how often they are asked the question or a variant of it, you might be surprised. But it doesn't stop there. Once someone is dating someone how long does it take before you ask them when they're going to get married? And once they get married, how soon before you ask them about when they are going to start having kids? You may read that and wonder what the big deal is. The big deal is that you are taking something that you believe is normal and "supposed to happen" and you are impressing those beliefs onto someone with whom they may have absolutely no bearing whatsoever. What if the couple can't have kids and every time someone asks them that question it reinforces the lie that the devil whispers in their ear that they are not complete? What if every time you ask about marriage it forces them to consider jumping into a complex level of a relationship that was not meant to be entered into lightly and it is meant to last forever, but what if they are not with the right person? And what if every time you ask someone if they are dating someone you are undermining the Holy Spirit possibly calling them to an equally fulfilled life of full dedication to serving God in ways that a married person would never be able to do? Do you see the problem here? I know it sounds extreme, but it is worth stating, it is possible that you could be a tool for the enemy, the defeated one, as he wants nothing more than to hinder and destroy any chance of our being effective in accomplishing the will of our Creator for His ultimate glory. What if instead of asking new people you meet those questions based on your reality, you simply ask the question, "what is important any our life" or "hey, what are the things you are excited about right now?" These questions still show you are interested and you want to go deeper, but it also allows you to gain perspective and insight on who they are before you start throwing your own presuppositions onto them that may not even apply. Something to think about.

New Beginnings 

Look, I am not saying that Valentine's Day is a bad thing but if it really is the anniversary of Christian martyr Saint Valentino then it makes far more sense to me that we spend that day celebrating the love that God displayed for us in sending His son and the love Christ has displayed for his bride, the church. I am also not saying that we can't spend some degree of time expressing love for the people that God has put in our lives (honestly, that is something that needs to be happening every day), but we do need to stop treating our earthly relationships as idols and substitutes for a relationship that was always designed to be primary and priority, which is the one with God and His son, our Savior, Jesus Christ. It was Jesus that said the greatest commandment is to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul & mind (Matt. 22:37; Mark 12:30; Luke 10:27). Jesus also said that Christians will be KNOWN, meaning famous for, our love for each other (Jn. 13:35). It may not seem like it from this post, but "I have and always will be, the optimist, the hoper of far-flung hopes and the dreamer of improbable dreams" (DW 6.5). This means that I do not believe people are intentionally and consciously doing and saying these things on purpose with full knowledge and understanding of the damage they are inflicting. That is why it is so important for people to speak and people to listen. We should never assume we are right or that we have all the information. We should be continuous learners and always working to become better versions of ourselves. As Christians this means that we make God's Word priority and strive to be more and more like the one whom we bear the name of, Christians (translated little-Christ). For those that have not surrendered to that truth, it simple means you never settle with who you are, sure, at your core, the things that make you unique because God made you that way should never change and you should be confident in that part of who you are, but the other part of you, the fluid part that has simply been shaped by the world around you should always be evaluated and measured against the ever growing understanding of truth.

A Calling to Evaluate

Allow me to conclude all of this by appealing to my brothers and sisters in Christ, specifically those of you that have this out of date mind frame, which typically seems to be those that are in relationships of some kind, usually married people. Please stop treating single people as though they are less than you, adjust your thinking and realize that they are not to be pitied as though they were lacking in some way. As you have conversations and relationships with these people, realize that they are just as valuable to God and useful in accomplishing His calling on their lives as you are. Marriage is not for everyone and in actuality, these people have freedom and flexibility to be effective in ministry in a way that you married people will never come close to, so we need these people in our churches. They are not weird, they are not broken, so you do not need to constantly try to pair them up, play match maker and constantly ask them about who they're interested in. Instead, we need more ministries directed at growing these people up in the Word and reminding them that they are still called and can still be effective without constantly having your worldview rubbed in their face. Yes, if they sense God calling or directing them to join as one flesh to another then great, but that should happen in God's perfect timing as He directs, not as you direct. 

Leadership needs to evolve; the ones that are teaching and preaching, the ones that are writing books and curriculum, all of this needs to reflect a new way of thinking about marriage and singleness. I recently read a book for school and while the book was surprisingly better than I expected it to be, one flaw that stood out to me was how it dedicated practically an entire chapter to discussing marriage and only one paragraph to addressing singleness. I see this happen over and over again, preachers will teach on marriage but I have never heard a sermon preached on singleness and how to do it well. There are so many ministry jobs out there where they are only looking to hire married people and while there are certain ministry jobs that do lend themselves more to married people according to scripture, there are still so many other jobs that could be done so much more effectively by singles. As I mentioned before, when we see two people beginning a relationship or getting married we so often jump on the boat of congratulations that we never actually check with them to make sure they are doing the right thing. We need to remind people that it is ok to be single and that marriage must be entered cautiously and reverently. Honestly, I believe that for a great many people out there, their spouses and children have become idols, but that is a post for another time. I will simply say this, if you are skipping church to spend time with the family, your priorities are quite evident and they are misaligned but it is not too late to change. Your relationship with God should always be at the top of the list, the thing that sustains you in a way that nothing else can and that should be consistent across the board, whether you are married or single. 

Wrapping Up

There it is, I have put it all out there, I could keep going on this for a while but I would likely be simply beating a dead horse, even more so than I already have. I invite you to be an agent for change in the next generation church. Start implementing changes today, right now. Pray to God to give you a renewed perspective on this often overlooked category of people in the church today. If you are single and reading this, I hope you hear that you are not defective and the church is not just a match-maker party and on behalf of the church, I apologize for the many many years of neglect you have experienced, please do not give up on us and do not stay silent. Your voice needs to be heard because you matter to God and He has a plan for you. For those of you that are married, there is some damage control that needs to be done and the change starts with you. You must be willing to admit that you have been wrong and be willing to change for the better. Well you have a year to think it through before the next Valentines day. I recommend you start working on establishing some new and better habits and work to eliminate some bad ones that may have been conditioned in nativity for the majority of your life. It will most certainly not be easy, but since when is anything worth doing ever easy? Let's retake Valentines Day and make it a day that all people can celebrate, married or single. You may say I am naive, and maybe I am, but I told you that I am an optimist.